annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Day 216

I went to a hairdresser today and had my hair cut short. It looks OK but I feel traumatised by it, exhausted, fucked up. Recognising that it's good, but still fucked up by it.

It's been a difficult day. In writing group something set me off - the prospect of horror, not even actual horror, but of being deliberately scared, and there I was, crying like a fool, wanting to leave, being begged not to as the impact on the group would be terrible, sticking it out but embarrassed, awful. The first task, before all that, was to continue from the sentence, "I said it, out loud this time, "... and then we were all given different first words to put in the speech. Mine was 'Milton', ffs. but I wrote this, just five minutes. It's Bella, this first person narrator:

I said it, out loud this time, "Milton House. I went there. I was put in care when I was 12." Oh fuck. Why did I say it? How had this slid up and out of the locked box of my past, into my mouth and out into the world, without passing through my mind for any consideration?
Naomi looked startled. She was trying to find something to say. So was I. I wanted to suck those words back, swallow them down, tuck them away, not let any memories take shape, no images, no words, nothing at all. I didn't want it and I wasn't having it. The gardens were cool, I remembered, I could think about them. The roses smelled nice, the pond with the fish in it. The fish in the pond...

I am grateful today for:
1. Fish and chips for dinner and fuck the diet - delicious. We live near the best chippy I've been to for decades, always fresh and lovely.
2. There was a moment of perfection this afternoon when I was in the meadow with Shirley. I was picking rosehips to make more syrup - I discovered that all the ones growing on the north or west sides were still firm and only the ones facing south or east had gone over. There were loads. The sun was low in the sky, casting a golden glow over the field, Shirley was bimbling about off her lead nearby, sniffing happily, wagging her tail. There are three sheep, some special rare breed, in a pen that gets moved about and they were baaa-ing contentedly. I looked up from the rosebush I was picking from and thought it was just spot on, bloody lovely. I thought, I'll remember this and write it down later and I have.
3. I had cranial osteopathy again this morning, which is the weirdest shit. She just holds my head in her hands very gently and wiggles her fingers a bit and I can feel great surges of energy rushing through me. She said that although she can feel that I am currently enveloped in a thick fog, beneath it she can feel enormous strength and energy. So look out, fuckers, look out.

Night night xx

10:54 p.m. - 16.10.20

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