annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- March 19th We still haven't gone to lockdown here in the UK. I don't feel confident about our govt's handling of things - any things, not just this. It's no good saying don't go to the pub when the pub stays open and young people don't watch the news or read the paper and there they all are, gathered together, pissed, breathing on each other... ach. I'm torn between the urge to document every aspect of what's happening - this is history we're living through and it's the accumulated personal stories that will convey the nearest thing to the truth in future, but also I'm tired and tired of being scared and fuck it, loads of people will be recording every fucking thing. I am used to living with dread, though. Real dread, that sickness in the pit of the belly whenever you contemplate the future, has been my constant companion since 2013 when Sam had to go into the first care home. I did have a few months off after she died, but I wouldn't call them happy months and now here we are again, same feeling, different cause. My plan is to keep as busy as I can in some kind of purposeful way. I've accepted that I'm going to be stuck here with Bloke and I'm not going to initiate any kind of discussion as to how we'll manage unless I have to. One of the many things that infuriate me about him is that in such conversations he'll always say that he thinks I'm right and that he'll implement my suggested actions, then he'll carry on as before, as if we'd never spoken. I'm going to try and keep the peace, while not spending more time with him than I can manage. I did my first live online yoga class today, with the guy from the Buddhist centre, which was fab. As always, he kept me in the room, focused on the yoga for the whole 75 minutes. Some of the poses were hard as I haven't done anything other than yin yoga for a while, but I'm going to stick with him, I think. The other lot are putting classes online too, but they're mainly flow styles of various kinds and I can't keep up. They've said there's going to be a yin one next week, which I'm looking forward to. Also the 5 Rhythms woman is doing her sessions live - there was one tonight and there'll be one on Sunday morning that I'm going to join, Maybe. I'm imagining having it on my phone, with headphones, dancing outside in the back garden and fuck the neighbours' opinions. Weather forecast is for windy - I know, amazing, windy, wow - but not what goes with it - rain not so good, but we'll see. So I have yoga, maybe dancing, painting, learning the keyboard, meditation, blogging, editing the old blog, taking the dog for a 2-3 mile walk, phoning the kids and also friends - I aim to speak to at least a couple of the people I care about every day, maybe facetiming them... and not looking too far ahead. What are your plans? I dreamed of Sammie last night. Weird, episodic, non-linear, impossible to recount or describe, but including her walking with me, holding my arm, chatting and laughing. At one point we were in my car with a Scottish blogging bloke I've never met IRL but am friends with on Facebook, with that Snapchat weird shit, cartoon ears and whiskers and I had to clear all my beach-cleaning debris out of the car so there was room for his mate. Sam was sitting in the back and she helped. A bit later Sam was in the distance with these two and I took a photo to send to N, the ex-care-home-manager, as I knew she'd be pleased to see Sam standing up, being like she'd never had MS. When I woke up, my first thought was to wonder if N had got the photo, before realising it had been a dream. It wasn't a sad realisation though, I felt, and still do, grateful for having that time with Sam - she feels nearer to me, not so far in the past. Also, you won't be interested to hear that my farting has changed. All my life I've been silent but deadly and now, out of nowhere, for no reason I can even imagine, suddenly they're noisy. I am quite enjoying it to be honest. I did do it inadvertently a couple of times in a yin yoga class, which wasn't so great, but they weren't smelly so it could have been worse. Today I am grateful for: a walk along the riverbank with hardly anybody else the whole time; good chats with the kids - we're settling in to this, while also acknowledging the fear that leaps up from time to time; yoga; being resourceful and optimistic; people saying they'd like a painting - they'll be on their way tomorrow - if you might like one, go back a post to see if you do, then leave me a comment about how to contact you. Good night, dear friends. Keep safe, take no chances. We can do this - stay in touch xxx 12:27 a.m. - 20.03.20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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