annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Later Let's start with some Patti Smith, just to remind us all that we're alive. [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_8kL24eeJA&w=560&h=315] Now I have to write fast as I just had a text from Younger Daughter saying she's coming to stay the night - just when I finally started writing. But it's nice to have a daughter who wants to come and sleep on a mattress in a room with no plaster on the walls, and an Indian bedspread pinned against the window as a curtain - proper old school 1970s vibe going on in there, though it does have a radiator instead of ice on the inside of the windows. Anyway. She's here now but texting some bloke instead of chatting with her mother like a good girl - at which point she put her [hone away and now here I am 24 hours later, having just watched ep 1 of the BBC's Les Mis, which I have neither read nor seen before. It seems to star McNulty from The Wire, doing acting. I'm struggling to write because the big story in my life is what will probably (hopefully?) turn out to be the end of my relationship with Bloke, but I've never really gone into that too much because it feels wrong, but now if I don't write about it nothing else seems to have any significance. I mean, I went for a walk on the beach, I painted some more fucking beach hits - these things are not news. Elder Daughter is as well as can be expected - no chest infection so back to what we now consider normal. A lot of the time I cannot bear to sit in the same room as Bloke but I really don't know if I'm just channeling all my fury at what's happened to ED and my brother towards him, as he's here and he is annoying. I made the wrong decision about moving here with him but don't feel stable or clear-headed enough to make another decision, such as to leave. Plus my income is a paltry, low four-figure income, so he supports me, which I should be more thankful for, but I'm not, I feel like I did as a child with that bloody old stepmother who fed me and clothed me but never hugged or kissed me - I didn't feel grateful then and I don't now, I feel awful and lonely and scared. And tired, so I'll go to bed now 12:12 a.m. - 31.12.18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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