annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Quick, it's bedtime

1. Back to numbers to be sure and write quickly and get to bed early.


2. Tomorrow I get my teeth back, hallelujah, hallelujah halleeeee -luuu - jaaa. I have survived, obviously, but it has been so horrible having no top teeth, having to suck my food and looking like some ghastly old boiler (shut up, I can hear you, you know). I thought I'd stay at home, then I knew I couldn't so I got a mask, one of those anti-dust masks, and a scarf, thinking that would do, but then I went to my sister-in-law's just after the dentist and she made me feel a bit more upbeat so I went off to the journalling group at the recovery centre bare-faced and then spent the whole time flipping between being mega-self-conscious about it and forgetting about it altogether. Which is how it's remained. I chatted gaily away to this woman on the beach today and didn't remember my gummy, caved in face at all, till after she'd gone, when I'm sure I must have blushed, I felt so embarrassed. But the moral of this story is no one gives a fuck what you look like.


3. Also tomorrow, I run the drop-in writing group at the recovery centre - eek! I'm feeling anxious about that when I think of it, so I'm trying not to think of it. I've printed off some topics (like 'dancing' and 'outside the window') and some adverbs of time (like 'today' and 'soon') which I'll put into two envelopes (if I can ever find the fucking envelopes) and people can take one from each and see what happens. It should be fine, but I am being anxious anyway cos that's what I do.


4. I've been wearing my bikini on the beach. I know. I just don't care. There's something about that whole 'beach-ready' bollocks that makes me want to be a fat, old, pasty-bellied white woman in a bikini. Toothless as well at the moment. And today I took the top off when I went in the water. Bliss. I'm building up to going full starkers, as this particular place is an unofficial naturist beach, with naked old men scattered along the foreshore, but I'm waiting till YD can come with me - she likes to get her kit off as well, so we can give each other a bit of confidence. What makes me feel nervous when I'm alone is that all my pubic hair fell out when I had my first breakdown (and the hair on my legs and underarms), which pisses me off as I HATE this whole hairless fashion. I can only see it as infantilising women, for them to be hairless, and what's that all about? Children are hairless, adults are hairy. I would NEVER remove my pubic hair, but it's gone and I cannot bear the thought of being seen without it.


5. My new phone turns itself off when I'm driving unless I tell it not to. Brilliant. They should all do that. But I can't find where the photos have gone so bah humbug

Sleep tight, dear peeps xxxx

12:43 a.m. - 27.06.18

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