annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Now

I'm getting a puppy. This one:

She's very little, a cross between a Shih Tzu and a Yorkshire Terrier. I hope it'll be all right, and if it isn't I shall give her back or sell her or something, but I shall give it my best shot as I want a dog, but not a traumatised rescue dog. I've booked a session with a trainer, to get me off to a good start.

But I am absolutely fucked, truth be told. I have just had a big old cry as a friend turns out not to be dying - at least I fucking hope not - she said she wasn't - but meanwhile lumps are appearing on people I love and, oh, all sorts of shit and nasty life and death stuff. My compassion bucket is empty and probably has a great big hole that will stop it getting filled up again for some time.  And I'm over-sensitive again and lacking cognition - I can't work things out and it makes me scared.

Oh yeah, and therapy, that'll be it as well. That always gets worse before it gets better. She did say one amazing thing though, my new therapist. I told her about my metaphor of the pit - that when I become unwell I fall into the pit and struggle to get out and that currently I'm doing all this self-care stuff to keep me as far from the edge of the pit as I can possibly manage, but that too often I can feel myself sliding down towards it. Well, she said, perhaps we can fill the pit in.

Wow. Fill the pit in. There's a fucking concept, eh?

And there was this, which I just cut and pasted from my facebook, as it says it all:

"In Waitrose just now, I bumped into a nurse I recognised, and who recognised me, from St Barnabas (the hospice). She very seriously asked me how I am, how are 'things'. I told her that things were good, that somehow Sam didn't die and is actually as well as she's been for ages and her face lit up like the sun bursting through the darkest clouds. Ah, it was wonderful to see and to feel that joy - for us it's been a creeping, day by day, realisation that Sam's still here, still with us all these weeks and now months later. No guarantees, in fact an appointment with the urologist looms, but hallelujah and hooray for our Sam."

I do my gratitudes in a little book now, because I like to do them every day and I don't post every day. But I will try to post more.

Hope you are all well, dear bloggy pals. xxx

12:00 a.m. - 01.09.17

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