annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Try not to sing out of tune We are suddenly halfway to the target in our fundraising and I am an emotional wreck. Sometimes I almost wish I was less fucking educated and analytical so I couldn't always see so many implications and complications. Which is not to say that I haven't been experiencing deep joy, and a bit of hippy-style connectedness with the universal oneness and all that jazz, but that there are other things going on too. Some of the people that have donated were a big part of mine and ED's lives, well, all my kids' lives, at different stages and suddenly those times have leapt back, vividly into my mind. Someone I treated very badly in the end, which I regret to this day - but if I'd chosen differently, YD and Son wouldn't exist, so that just leaves a chunk of shame. Which it does me no harm to have to acknowledge every now and again, so not all bad, but intense, you know? There's also the approaching storm between me and Friend from festival. She's not into computers, but does email when forced and has sent me a couple expressing regret about not having had the opportunity to call me and get this conversation started. Signed with love xx, so friendly, but wanting to talk about me never having taken to her elder son, on the occasion of his upcoming 18th birthday. This is just not a conversation I can have. I love Friend very dearly, I cherish our friendship which has endured for over two decades, and I know she values it too - if my feelings for the boy were a deal-breaker, it would never have lasted this long, given that (as I now see), I failed totally in my attempts to keep these feelings to myself. She has ended more than one friendship following comments about his behaviour without ever listening or considering whether there was any truth or anything useful in what was said. He has been a shouting, demanding, centre of attention grabbing, bullying, manipulative boy and they have always organised everything to try and avoid setting him off, giving him total control of events, whereas the younger one just has to fit in and accept whatever he gets, which he does. This does seem to have changed recently - the younger one is recognised and appreciated and the older one didn't kick off once on my most recent visit, literally a first - I'd thought we'd weathered the fucking storm, he'll be off to university next year, I may never have to see him again if I organise myself properly, so why do we have to talk about it now? What can I say that isn't in effect a direct criticism of her parenting? I don't want to do that - nobody wants to hear it, especially so long after the event, and who am I to criticise anyone anyway - I fucked up all over the place. While writing this I've been thinking about it and maybe I'll write to her - whatever - it's almost three and my own lovely son will be here in about six hours, so I'm offsky. sweet dreams xxx 12:56 a.m. - 31.08.13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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