annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Keeping on I don't want to write about this, but keeping it inside is sapping the last dregs of energy, so fuck it, here goes. One of my kids (I'm not even going to say which one) isn't speaking to me - in fact they put the phone down on me the second I started to say, "Aw no..." to a request and haven't contacted me since, apart from a 'happy birthday x' text, and not answering the phone when I called in reply. There are reasons for this - reasons to do with their mental health and with events happening in their life. I have consulted amongst the family and it is not due to bad behaviour on my part and will be over soon, almost certainly. But I can't bear it. I absolutely cannot. It's happened before and it'll probably happen again. It always hurts, but I do know the place it comes from and my forgiving and forgetting is genuine. This time I don't have anything available to see me through. It's art class tonight - just ninety minutes away and the thought of exposing myself to a small room full of friendly, chatty people makes me shrivel up inside. But I want to go to my fucking art class! I want to feel fuck you, kiddo, you're stepped over a line, now just fuck off. But I know we're both broken and that I do have more resources, more experience to see me through and all I feel for them is love and sadness and disloyalty for moaning about it. Sigh. I've had a big think about it and I can't face the art class - there's so much information I know it'll be more than I can take. My plan is to make a very fat spliff, smoke it all myself, put on some music with a bit of a groove to it and make myself some dinner. Maybe even shift a few things into their proper place. Laters xxx 5:09 p.m. - 18.06.12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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